Feb 6, 2012

The Lie of Happiness: An Illustrated History

I have put session number two of my journey into Crazytown in the bag. Done and dusted. There are so many little stupid things, (along with some fairly major things, I'll admit) that when added all up, seem pretty fucking over-whelming. The longer I talk to other women, both my own age and many from my mothers generation, and even my 90 year old grandmother, it is becoming clear to me that it's not such a new symptom that I originally blamed on this "hyper generation". We have always been miserable and slightly insane, but it's only until recently that we have been willing to share and admit to these feelings.

In short, Mrs. Cleaver was full of shit. She was probably in the kitchen popping Prozac while cleaning up after the Sunday roast she so meticulously prepared as a result of her raging OCD. Just take a look at Bree Van de Kamp - unraveling at the seams of her panties, but her pearls have never hung more perfectly.

We are all a little messed up in our own special idiosyncratic ways. It's just a measure of how much of ourselves we admit to others and expose our vulnerabilities. That's what Twitter is for, right?

Anyways, here is what I think these women were REALLY thinking...


"I've been married 3 times and still never had an orgasm; this is why I drink." 
~ Muriel


"That shower is way better than him. Every time."
~ Ruthie


"I'm going to stick my head in the oven tonight. I mean, say 'Cheese!'"
~ Audrey


"I hate vacuuming, like, seriously fucking hate it, motherfucker."
~ Beth


"I just gave him a blow job, not because I liked it, but because I'm bored."
~ Judith


"I'm so fucking horny that even this cactus is turning me on."
~ Connie

And I guess I shouldn't leave out this guy either:



"Sex with my wife makes me ill. I try to imagine she's Ben from next door."
~ Jerry

And now I have the urge to watch gay porn and eat ice cream...



28 comments:

  1. Ahahaha your captions made my night! Our issues and idiosyncracies are why we need good friends - and/or therapists.

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  2. Ha you're awesome. I want the vacuuming framed and hung in the living room so "someone" ahem gets the hint. "Momma don't vacuum no more motherfucker! I mean love ya."

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  3. Sadly, I can totally relate to Connie.

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  4. Funny... I enjoyed the commentary! Hopefully, your drama filled world will be less drama filled sooner rather than later!!!

    I want #4 on a coffee cup or like where-evah... hanging on a wall right above my crushed up vacuum cleaner ~lol

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  5. hahahha those are some great (probably very true) captions.

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  6. First off, welcome to Crazytown . . . there is always room for more!

    Secondly, I think you are so right about pretty much everything in this post.

    Thirdly, I am so sorry Sweaty, but your comment totally made me chortle, guffaw or some sort of laughing noise. Please forgive me!
    Jenn

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  7. Gay porn and ice cream? sounds like an epic night. lol.

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  8. @Foxy

    Thank you for the warm welcome!! It's much appreciated :)

    And the more I think about it, I think Connie is probably Jerry's wife.

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  9. Wanna know why I love you?
    Cause you just wrote what I was thinking!
    All of the women from our past generations felt the same way we do they just didn't talk about it.
    Crazy bitches.

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  10. Wow, I just watched an episode of Mad Men in 45 seconds.

    And this one was better!

    HA!

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  11. This is great - now I want ice cream too...

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  12. Fantastic!!!! My favorite is Audrey. I ALWAYS look so damn happy in pictures!

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  13. This is pretty much the best post I've read today.
    Where's the fucking "firework/like/boom shalakalaka/thumbs up" button?!

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  14. Jeez, I think I must be Connie at the moment - damn pregnancy has turned me into a raging nympho!

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  15. I think the 5th one should say, "I just gave him a blow job, not because I liked it, but because I didn't want to get all sticky."

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  16. Sticky? Ewwww. hahahaha.

    @SAHMlovingit

    Easy there. You and Sweaty need some cold showers. It's a CACTUS! LMAO

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  17. "I'm going to stick my head in the oven" Bahahahaha!

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  18. I enjoyed all of the captions except the last one.

    Also, I'm sure there are better ways of trying to make friends over the internet than to point out flaws with the other person's writing. Yet, for some reason, I feel it necessary to point out that Prozac didn't come out until 1974 and Leave it to Beaver aired in the 50s and 60s.

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  19. @Roger Thomas

    Thanks! Next time I do a purely fictional and rhetorical joke, I'll check all my facts to make sure they're inaccurate first.

    Yeah, rrrrrright.

    Also... Why didn't you like the last one? Are you uncomfortable with man-on-man love?

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  20. @LadyEstrogen.......bwaaahhhhh! thats exactly what I would have said.I actually got the impression that Roger loves the last caption, he's just being shy

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  21. Lady E, I'll gladly be your *cough, cough* fact checker for ya! But first I have to take my Prozac. And go down on the Beav.

    Love your sense of humor!! XO

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  22. Ooops, I just broke my vacuum with this here cactus, motherfucker.

    I mean, DAY-YAM this is funny, except for your blatant disregard for pharmacological history. {Eyeroll!} Were you sleeping during that class, Missy? {Guffaw.}

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  23. I can't believe I'm admitting this but seeing those huge, phallus shaped cactus has always been a huge turn on for me. And gay men vacuuming really gets me going. OK, I'll shut up now.

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  24. Ben's not really that attractive.

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  25. It is outrageous that something like this can be found funny (because it's true) in this day and age. I don't know why politicians can't give up on those tired old platforms like law & order or jobs and stand instead for more and better orgasms. Pick a partner, go home and don't come back to work until you've achieved complete integration with cosmic bliss. Don't worry, we'll pay the bills until you get it right. I'd vote for that candidate in a heartbeat, secure in the belief that this manifesto would lead to a substantially better life experience for everyone.

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