Jan 21, 2013

Hatin' skatin'

It had been a long day cooped up inside; at -14 degrees, it was too cold to play outside & the boys were driving us b-a-n-a-n-a-s. "Let's go ice skating for the very first time with the boys, ever" was my brilliant idea. I was thinking pssfftt, I got this shit covered. I was a hockey player. I have Bauer skates. I don't even need a jock strap! I'm a bad ass bitch on the ice, yo. I did, however, have to pick up new skates on the way to the rink, as it has been the better part of a decade since I've been on skates, and my old ones wouldn't fit me anymore -- of that, I was pretty sure.

Even at Canadian Tire, when I needed to ask the store kid for help (since I was in a hurry, not because I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Ahem), I totally had my butch jock'star attitude on as I boasted, "I play hockey, so I don't weeeear figure skates. I need hockey skates." And inside, my ego was lookin' like this . . .

I mean, it would surely be like riding a bike, right? Who cares if it's been 8+ years since I've stepped a blade on the ice -- a brand new, freshly sharpened pair of blades that could cut a jugular with a mere accidental sneeze, to be more precise. Nevertheless, when we got to the arena and while I was lacing up, I still felt like I was going to rock this rodeo . . .

But then faster than you can say onamonapia, I stood up on my new skates and the searing pain went chi chi chi owwwwiee all the way up my spine and exploded from my neck with an additional aaahhhh guuuggghhh with every single click clop click clop of my skates as I approached the ice. The very instant I stepped onto the rink, I felt like this . . .

It took every burning muscle in my body to keep myself standing upright. And then as the boys entered the rink, I had to deal with this as well . . .

Sweet Jesus. I have never wanted to curse my husband's "weak ankles" more than at that moment. He got to watch from behind his shame the crash boards as I sucked up every last drop of adrenaline my body could possibly produce. Soon there was trouble on the front and when one goes down, he took us all with him like 3 bowling pins, and I felt like this . . .

But of course, we got up and shuffled onward and after about fifteen of the longest minutes of my life (and not yet even making it to the center line), I was ready to chalk it up to "a good first effort", but the boys actually WANTED to stay and were LOVING it . . . of fucking course they were! The ONE time I am actually hoping they hate an experience. Ugh. It was about at that very moment that I looked over at my husband kinda like this . . .

Thankfully, the Zamboni gods spared my life and it was time to get off the ice, regardless of the boys' plans to stay there for all eternity. There were tantrums and chaos but I didn't even care and barely noticed. I just wanted to stand on a non-frozen surface - that was the short term, number one goal of my life.

When I woke up this morning, it was a huge OMFG. I wanted more than anything to rock the Pierce Hawthorne look and just not give a shit until my body heals in a few days . . .

And as soon at it was a reasonably acceptable hour to use the phone this morning, I call my daddy . . .

. . . and told him he needs to come over and teach his grandsons to skate, because I ain't EVER fucking doing that again by myself!

And please take my advice: If you're out of shape, don't ever attempt to prove your body wrong. Denial can be lethal. Just avoid intensely strenuous activities all together, forever -- it's way easier and much less painful.

Or gradually get into shape, I guess.

Blargh-dee-blargh blargh.



  1. Ha ha, that is so funny. It has been a really long time since I skated, but the last time I did, I expected to just hop on the ice and fly around like I used to. But nope, all sensory memory of how to skate had vanished. What the heck is that about? I mean, I can hop on a bike after ages of being off one, no problem, but skating? It's just a bruised body in hiding.

  2. Call me a bad mom, but these are the things I hate teaching my kids, probably because we can't do it one at a time like most parents. Riding bikes, skating...it's all torture until they actually learn to do it. Then it feels good.

  3. I have never ice skated the fear of that blade you describe and trusting it to hold my extra large ass up was never up my ally. However I do rollerskate and while going backwards had to be relearned by me to have any surety of foot I felt much the same way. My body does those kinds of screams if I mop the kitchen floor, so hubby does it LOL

  4. Haha. I can relate. I had a Valentine's Date a few years back who had planned a trip up to the Mountain to do a few loops on the ice circle, drinks and dinner. I was out there on the ice loop for hours, trying so hard to just "go" but my body didn't know what to do. Mean while, a ton of kids, oh let's say around the age of 6 or 7, FLY by me leaving me to fall into the snow...was VERY happy to have that first drink, or 3 by the end of the day.
    PS: I know that Thursday is coming up quick - if for some reason you don't hear from me, I'm always thinking of ya and wishing you the best of the best! Love Ya! c.

  5. I used to take my guys skating because you know - boys you need any activity you can think of to wear them out. It does get better, but man that first time on skates is brutal! I would probably be like that now all over again.

  6. And here I was thinking this might be the year we take our boys skating for the first time ever.

    Next year.


  7. Thanks, C!
    Yeah, they zoomed past hubs on a trip to the Rideau Canal when we dating & he hasn't been on skates since.

  8. Yow. I'm impressed you went with them. I would have paid several dollars to a neighbor kid to do so. Because I am lazy. Also, I've only ever skated once in my life.

  9. Sadly I experienced this same shame when I attempted to walk in a pair of stilettos this past summer. Yep. I'm stickin' with flip flops.. :/

  10. You, my dear, are insane!! My back just hurts thinking about this experience. :)


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