May 31, 2012

The Vibrator Terminator

Alternative title: Patent Pending, Motherfuckers!

A few months back I was using my favorite little vibrating USB-charged "fairy" to top up my needs... as one often does... and everything was going as usual.

Buzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz. Ohhh yes. Buzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz.

And then, all of a sudden...

Buzzzzz kurmuhhhhhh ffffffggggggghhhh.

Dead from the neck down. Snapped right at the bendable hinge like Christopher Reeve off a horse.

Hubs is laying beside me (yeah, you heard me) and he perked up, "Whoa. That didn't sound good."

"No! It did not. QUICK! Please get me my back up vibrator in the bathroom." And that is how the first toy bit the big one. Then last week, I was using "the back up" and after it had done a satisfactory job, I was cleaning it when I noticed a tear in the bendable hinge on THIS one too. What the fuck?! All the wires were exposed. I can pretty much say that this one was now ready to be put to pasture.


I told hubs and he was all like, "You're a fiend. What the hell do you do to them?!"

Umm.. you're right there beside me watching television - you should know. But seriously - I don't "overly" use or abuse them; in all actuality, I would probably put my average at once a week. Some weeks are more, but then I may go 2-3 weeks without even thinking about it. (Must be when I'm ill or something, but it does happen.)

Problem is that I do really like the firmest pressure going under and up. I'm assuming that's why these hinged designs exist already, but the issue is that the hinge is extended so far that I guess it snaps. I realize that every lady is a little different, but for me? That right there is the spot for me.

Up and over-extended. Ooh yes, indeed.

So, my question is: Why aren't they just in that position to begin with? It would be extremely time efficient, not to mention ergonomically beneficial to my wrists and mild Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
OK. So, it might look like a Lacrosse stick just humped a Smurf, but I'm hoping you get the idea. I just got a pen for my Android and it's still a learning curve as far as drawing on it goes. Whatever, I digress.

It would hook around and up against my Mini Venus Penis and not need to do any of that tedious bending and straining. Win! So, if you ever see one of these on the market from this day forth, you'll know where they stole the idea from. THIEVING FUCKERS! If it already exists, screw that - I'm claiming ignorance. Mine is definitely better.

On another note, 4 days after my second vibrator broke I was contacted by a sex toy company to review a product. Bring it on! Just waiting for the Canada Post to deliver it to me, hopefully without any limbs. 

And that's how the gods talk to me, I'm sure of it.



18 comments:

  1. I'm saying this with a lot of love and respect...

    ...but your vagina scares me. Maybe hubs stays clear because he doesn't want his wang suffering the same fate?

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  2. Thats one talented vagina you have there.

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  3. At least the universe is listening to you! Hmm...what will you ask for next??

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  4. At least you got some use out of it before it bit the dust. I spent mega bucks on one and it bit the dust the FIRST time out of the gate. I kinda clamped down in a certain moment and umm yeah locked up certain rotating areas. I was PISSED..

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  5. @Ida_homie

    See? Deviant Heathen can confirm that my vagina is not scary in the least. I just know where my button is, and it happens to be kinda tucked under a ledge. That's all ;)

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  6. I seem to kill off quite a few vibrators too. Let me know when your design goes on the market

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  7. I think I've seen some like that! Is this bent enough or would you still fuck the tip off? http://www.adameve.com/sp-g-gasm-delight-g-spot-vibrator-9825.aspx

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  8. @Jen

    Holy god - that's great, but mine is external use, not g-spot.
    I got's me another toy taking care of that.
    http://adventuresinestrogen.blogspot.ca/2011/09/second-place-is-fucking-awesome.html

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  9. I cannot imagine being next to my wife in bed and making her need to use a toy when I have a perfectly functional tongue and set of fingers.

    Isn't there some law that this is a basic spousal duty?

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  10. @Deacon Blue

    Preachin' to the choir, darling.

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  11. And that's why I'm a deacon instead of a preacher/pastor, I guess. ;-)

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  12. I've never broken one of vibrators. Oddly enough, my dog has gotten ahold of one before. Not something you want to come home to: a terrified dog hiding from a torn up toy that's still trying to vibrate across the floor.

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  13. I'm mad you got a company that wants to send you product reviews! lol

    I've thought about going to the local store and seeing if they'll do the same. I want to do a "50 Shades of Sili" post and suspect I might need the equipment to um, inspire me...

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  14. Wait.. Did I miss something? A company is sending you vibrators to try out??? Holy hell! Sign me up! Altho.. I'm pretty fortunate "Rainman" makes sure I don't need to use one that often. ;)

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  15. I break every vibrator I get.
    I'm getting sick of it.

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  16. I'm reading this post of yours and imagining your vagina looking sort of like one of those monsters in "Where the Wild Things Are"...eating up plastic battery-operated machinery for dinner, and then the song "Love's Been a Little Bit Hard on Me" by Juice Newton plays while the iPod is on shuffle.

    Sometimes the Universe just gets it right.

    You could ask me why the hell I paid to have that god-awful song on my iPod, but then I could ask you why your vagina eats vibrators. And we'd be even.

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