Apr 15, 2013

Lube Me Up, Buttercup!

Hoe-lee-shit. This marks my 400th post and never in a million years, if 399 posts ago you were to tell me that by this time I would be pregnant and testing lube . . . and at the same time . . . I'd call you a dirty fucking liar. But here I am, up the duff and getting my husband to spread heat-inducing lube all over my pleasure zones.

This is technically a sponsored post by Trojan, since I got all the lube for free, but, umm... FREE LUBE, PEOPLE. Plus, since it's my 400th post, I feel like celebrating and I'm giving away probably thee best prize package that I've EVER had on my site. Again, thanks to Trojan, because when I got their package in the mail, it was huge, first of all. And I couldn't figure out why, but then I opened it and it has not only 3 boxes of lube in it, but a purple sexy satin body wrap. I was impressed! Needless to say, I took one look at the robe and saw that it would likely wrap 1 of my thighs . . . maybe. But the kind gesture will not go unfulfilled, because it will also be a part of the fabulous lube inspired giveaway! Umm, yes!

Now, firstly, I need to admit that among all my weird and wonderful sexcapades, I've NEVER used lube before. It could be the fact that the mere mention of sex turns me on like a cool faucet on a hot summer's day; or it could be because I've always been too fucking cheap to spend $20 on these products, even though I've always been curious about them. If it's solely the later reason, I would like to go back and bitch slap that cheap ass woman and buy it. It's worth it. Every penny.

I tried out 2 of the 3 varieties I was sent, which seems to have done me more than enough favors, so I kept the 3rd bottle unopened to contribute towards the giveaway. I splooged out some "Arouses & Intensifies" while my hubs cracked into the "Tingly Warmth" lube. They are both slightly similar, but in the best way possible. What I mean is that I get warm when I'm aroused anyway, so they were both winners.

If you were a fly in the room, you would have heard things like, "Hey, I could probably get my whole hand up there with this lube!"

To which you also would have heard, "OIYE! Let's leave the fisting up to the professionals!" 

But seriously, it is quite effective as far as greasing up the runway goes. Hand jobs are also waaaay easier with lube. Just sayin'.

And yet, it's not actually "greasy" at all. I was impressed with how it didn't make me feel disgusting afterwards -- something that I guess I always assumed when thinking about lube.

My ultimate opinion about these products can be spelled out in one simple phrase: I climaxed during actual intercourse. I don't know about you, but the last time THAT happened for me was somewhere around 2011.

So, thank you, Trojan! 
(Which actually sounds a little weird when I say that since I'm pregnant, come to think of it . . . but whatever ;)

And since I'm in such a goddamn awesome mood, I'm also including a double bullet with dual remote control into the prize package, courtesy of Eden Fantasys.

Behold. All of this could be yours . . .

RIGHT? I'm pretty excited about this prize so I hope some of you are as well.
I'm also trying out Rafflecopter for this contest -- high tech shiz, I know. Please use it and enter so I can keep track of crap and be all official. YAHOO!

a Rafflecopter giveaway


  1. This is my kind of giveaway! Woohoo!!

  2. I know just who to try this stuff out on. And no. It is not me.

  3. The title of this blog entry had me cracking up...lol

  4. We're almost out, so this will go to a good home.

  5. @Tyra

    My hope is that if you ever hear that song, you'll think of me . . . or lube ;)

  6. Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME, Pick ME!!! Sorry. It's the OCD talking.

  7. I am SHOCKED that you've never used lube before. Shocked.

  8. Bahahahahaha! I loved this!!! I'm not a lube person either, but I was so scared those first few times after childbirth that I finally cracked a bottle open, and oh my word... ;)

  9. Congrats on #400! And lube for a handjob is the shiz!

  10. Yep, I'm too shy to buy these items, but I sure do appreciate your solid review!! I could really use this! Please pick me! :) (Did the smiley face help?)

  11. So yeah... this sounds so freaking awesome that I might just go and buy some, you know to add to my winnings.

  12. I'm a little hesitant to enter this contest, just in case it gets my wife pregnant as well. Even though, the miracle of modern medicine says that is no longer possible. :)

  13. UM.... TMI but I'll give it go for ya if you really want!..
    But if I get fucking pregnant....

  14. I am tired of being boring and want to spice things up. I have never used any kind of oils or anything. I also haven't O'd in a really long time! It's time baby!

  15. Sex stuff! How did I not already know you were doing this? I'm clearly off my Twitter game this week.

  16. Thanks for all the entries. Was truly my best contest eva!


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