Aug 6, 2012

Rolling in it... again!

A couple months ago, I shared the precious gift of money that my grandmother gave me. I still haven't hauled that booty to the bank, by the way. I'm waiting for just the right time -- when I'm reeeally hurtin'. I stopped in last weekend for another visit and as usual, there's not a dull moment.

She just had to tell me how annoying her evening was, since one of the women that "doesn't have any marbles left" fell and badly hit her face. It was annoying, of course, due to the fact that all the hubbub that surrounded the incident caused my grandma's dinner to be late................ .......!!

Then I asked her if she new anything about the funky house that is being built across the street from her residence. (It is seriously cool. Not sure if it fits with the surrounding properties, but cool nevertheless.) She just waved her hands away and groaned, "Pssfft, probably a couple of queers moving in."

As we were eating, the chef came out to greet the residents and their guests; he's East Indian. As he walked away, my grandmother yelled, "My god, he is black, black, black... in't he?"

She was on a roll, people.

Speaking of rolls, after lunch she winked and handed me another present before I left. It looked like this:

Within our family, she is quite famous for these packages. Usually, they contain already opened boxes of crackers that she decided she didn't like, or buckets of yogurt that will be expiring within the next 24 hours, or even bananas.

Oh, sweet Jesus... the fucking bananas.

Let's just say she doesn't pack them inside those phallic yet effective travel containers. A few years ago, I put my foot down with the banana donations. Even with this package -- the fact that she put that note on it is a good indicator that it contains something that I'd likely not want to take home with me, but I have to be honest, I was totally expecting bananas.

So, like the obedient grand daughter that I am, I waited until I got home to open her mystery package...

Toilet paper.

And not just any toilet paper - stolen toilet paper from her residence.

I called her to question her motives, "Grandma... really? What's with the toilet paper?"

She giggled, "Well, you can't tell me you doing need that. Everyone poops, darling."

Update. Just got off the phone with her today (Tuesday) and she hopes that every time I wipe my butt, I think of her....
Not. Fucking. Kidding.
Oh, this woman ;)


  1. Wow, that gift makes my Gramma seem generous! I used to get underpants for Christmas. Either sized skinny ass 5 year old, or sized ginormous - instead of moderately oversized 30 year old arse.

  2. Oh my gosh....I seriously laughed my ass off at " he is black, black, black... "
    Only grandmas are totally allowed to get away with that, huh?

  3. bwhahahah.. I laugh but I totally get her mental thought on this. When she was young things like that were a luxury, often stockpiled in case there was another depression. My mom had TONS of it. Money crammed in drawers you name it.. It can make our days rather amusing though when we try to rationalize it.

  4. Hey at least she's giving stuff away. My great grandma accused her roommate in the home of being a dirty slut who got pregnant (said roommate was in her late 80's, just to be clear, and was promptly removed for her own sanity), AND was constantly saying her daughters and granddaughters stole things from her. Like watches she didn't own, or toothbrushes...

  5. I love my grandma! She always gives me cute little cards with cash and makes me my favorite dish. Mexican grandmas are the best!

  6. I think your grandmother might just have an underappreciated sense of humor.

  7. Yes! She thinks she is hilarious. I guess that's where I get it too -- I think I'm hilarious, but my husband rarely laughs. OMG. I am my grandmother... ya know, except without all the bigotry and racism and stuff.

  8. Your grandmother is so awesome. She reminds me a lot of mine.

    Mine would definitely complain about the audacity of another resident getting hurt and making her dinner late. She doesn't understand gay people AT ALL. And she calls black jujubes "N* Babies." And NOT quietly.

    She never gives me anything though. She doesn't have any money. "This godforsaken place takes it all! And the damn cook can't even get the food right. They used cornstarch in their gravy, you know. Not flour. I can tell the difference and it's cornstarch." Then she shakes her head and makes her trademark disapproving 'tuh' sound.

  9. @Rebecca

    OMG. They would be best friends!

  10. That's too funny! You're grandma sounds amazing!

  11. Okay, not for nothing, but I could use some of those rolls right now. I was so tired (freaking three-year-old) that I went to the grocery JUST FOR TP (and bubbly water) and bought paper towels instead. I didn't notice it until I was home and in PJs and needing toilet paper. So, yeah. Don't knock it.

  12. That would be my bets present ever. Seriously.


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