The final countdown — it is on!

Oct 1, 2013

OK, I've officially made it to October so it's go time, baby! 
In honor of my last few days of pregnancy, I wrote this song. I thought I'd put forth some extra effort, especially since this might be the last post for a couple weeks. Please note my seesawing, hormonal affections towards my husband, mostly based on whether or not he's giving me food at the time, obviously. 

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On the final day of pregnancy, my jerk face husband gave to me an extra load of his laundry.

On the 2nd last day of pregnancy, my high blood pressure gave to me two puffy cankles.
And an extra load of his laundry.

On the 3rd last day of pregnancy, my doctor gave to me three Labetalols.
Two puffy cankles.
And an extra load of his laundry.

On the 4th last day of pregnancy, my true love gave to me four tubes of Pringles.
Three Labetalols.
Two puffy cankles.
And an extra load of his laundry.

On the 5th last day of pregnancy, my cravings gave to me five iced coffeeeeees.
Four tubes of Pringles.
Three Labetalols.
Two puffy cankles.
And an extra load of his laundry.

On the 6th last day of pregnancy, my baby gave to me six extra kilos.
Five iced coffeeeeees.
Four tubes of Pringles.
Three Labetalols.
Two puffy cankles.
And an extra load of his laundry. 

On the 7th last day of pregnancy, my doctor gave to me seven more goddamn days.
Six extra kilos.
Five iced coffeeeeees.
Four tubes of Pringles.
Three Labetalols.
Two puffy cankles.
And an extra load of his laundry. 

On the 8th last day of pregnancy, my whiny husband gave to me eight panicked texts.
Seven more goddamn days.
Six extra kilos.
Five iced coffeeeeees.
Four tubes of Pringles.
Three Labetalols.
Two puffy cankles.
And an extra load of his laundry. 

On the 9th last day of pregnancy, my baby gave to me nine toilet trips.
Eight panicked texts.
Seven more goddamn days.
Six extra kilos.
Five iced coffeeeeees.
Four tubes of Pringles.
Three Labetalols.
Two puffy cankles.
And an extra load of his laundry. 

On the 10th last day of pregnancy, my inner teenager gave to me ten throbbing zits.
Nine toilet trips.
Eight panicked texts.
Seven more goddamn days.
Six extra kilos.
Five iced coffeeeeees.
Four tubes of Pringles.
Three Labetalols.
Two puffy cankles.
And an extra load of his laundry.

On the 11th last day of pregnancy, my true love gave to me eleven bites of poutine.
Ten throbbing zits.
Nine toilet trips.
Eight panicked texts.
Seven more goddamn days.
Six extra kilos.
Five iced coffeeeeees.
Four tubes of Pringles.
Three Labetalols.
Two puffy cankles.
And an extra load of his laundry.

On the 12th last day of pregnancy, my fucking hormones gave to me twelve creepy skin tags.
Eleven bites of poutine.
Ten throbbing zits.
Nine toilet trips.
Eight panicked texts.
Seven more goddamn days.
Six extra kilos.
Five iced coffeeeeees.
Four tubes of Pringles.
Three Labetalols.
Two puffy cankles.
And an extra load of his laundry-eee-eee-eee.



A Mother Life

13 comments:

  1. Jess said...:

    Oh my god...I'm not pregnant and nearly peed my pants laughing.

  1. Jennifer Hall said...:

    Hahahaha! Good job!

  1. Ashlee said...:

    I just sang this instead of reading it. It was definitely much better that way. This is amazing and I will probably be singing the melody in my head all day.

  1. Dani Ryan said...:

    HILARIOUS!!! Good luck and let me know if you need anything! ;)

  1. jenbugblogs.com said...:

    Shit. According to numbers 2, 6, 9, 10 & 12, I'm knocked up. But, according to this empty bottle of wine, I'd better not be. #teamwine

  1. Joy Christi said...:

    hahahahaha this song is hilarious! Happy PUSH Day, I know I know, I have 3 kids, I was trying to be polite and positive.
    (I had skin tags when pregnant, too, not a fan. I literally cut one off with scissors. I don't recommend that method.)

  1. The Shitastrophy said...:

    Favorite line - skin tags, those are a bitch! And I hadn't realized I could blame my kids for them. Nice. Thanks for hooking up, good luck with the newbie...I love me some babies!!!

  1. An *extra* load of his laundry? Why are you doing *any* of his laundry? That's my question.

  1. Al Penwasser said...:

    I guess complaining about inconvenient boners at the chalkboard wouldn't do much good.....?

  1. Molley Mills said...:

    You're my hero! The end....
    Thanks for Hookin gup to the Hump Day Hook Up.

  1. TracyontheRocks said...:

    This is an amazing sendoff- my question is...how did you EVER stop at 11 bites of poutine??

  1. Karen said...:

    Anybody know if she's had the baby yet?

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    Yes!! We're here and all good :)
    She was born last week. Mom and baby are both hungry, constantly.
    You need to hop on to Twitter more often -- I'm always around, bitching. lol

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