Where life plans go to die

Aug 28, 2013

I have never been good with attitude of "whatever happens tomorrow, happens". Fuck that. I need to know not only where my next meal is coming from, but where my next 1000 meals are coming from, at least. And I've always been that way.

I knew in University that I'd be a salary girl. A few of my fellow artist classmates were adamant on going the freelance, suffer-for-your-art route, but the mere thought of that made me twitchy.

Even as a child, I would get stomach pangs in the middle of the night because my father was SO CHEAP and would obsess about money so frequently that I was convinced that we were going bankrupt and we'd become homeless at any moment. Turns out, we were doing just fine. THANKS FOR THAT, DAD.

It's not that I'm obsessed with money or wanting to be rich; I just want to be "stable". The last few years with the twins has been a reality check and I somehow managed to accept the fact that we'd be dipping into the red every month until the boys started full time school -- which would be this September, 2013.

Husband and I had been calling it FREEDOM 2013 pretty much since 2008. From the latter part of 2009 until the day I lost my job in November of last year, we had been paying FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS a month in childcare.

That would have all gone away next week.

Oh my fucking god, we could finally start paying off our other debts! Perhaps pay off our mortgage a little faster. Or actually contribute to RRSPs for us, or RESPs for the kids (which is laughable at the moment). We were going to have $1500 EVERY MONTH to do whatever the hell we wanted. I had been fantasizing withdrawing that amount at the end of September and rolling around in it; I was totally going to do it too.


See? That pretty much would've been me . . . except with Canadian money, obviously.

And I was OK with waiting for that. It was an achievable goal. There was going to be an end to this annoying clusterfuck that is "not having enough money for the Lightning McQueen underwear that the boys want". Even as I write that, I realize it's a "first world problem" but nevertheless, it was a problem for me.

My boys, at 4 years old, have already begun asking me if things are "too much moneys" for them to have, and it truly breaks my heart. I see history repeating itself, except this time it's a real issue.

I should be getting emotional about my babies going off to big boy school next week, but it's really being over-shadowed by all this crap, and I hate it. So, I'm trying my very hardest not to still be bitter about losing my job, but even in my worst case scenario, I didn't see myself STILL being unemployed by this time. And yet here I am.

Unsure about tomorrow and freaking right the hell out.

Oh, and baby number 3 arrives in 6 weeks...

Tick-fucking-tock.


13 comments:

  1. I can totally relate. I always wanted the salary. I know it's stressful but YOU WILL BE OK. I promise. Money stress is an asshole but you'll look back on this time with your boys as precious, although unexpected, luck. And you guys will totally adjust to the new little one. If not, you could sell the baby?

    (Kidding of course! Don't hate me for that.)

  1. I have no wisdom to impart but that I've learned life throws no straight pitches. Every damn one is a curve ball coming from a different direction. And I suck at baseball. I just try to jerk out of the way and keep standing.

    I feel you. You'll get through this.

    (Written as I just returned from a morning of THRIFT STORE shopping. I tell myself it's because I love a bargain and it's cool, but it's really because I'm poor.)

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    People keep saying that it will work out in the end... WHEN IS THIS END THEY'RE REFERRING TO? IS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER WE LOSE THE HOUSE? Gah.

    And no worries. I forgive you -- I still have eggs I can sell though, right?

  1. Rebecca said...:

    The cost of child care was a major catalyst in my decision to be a SAHM. Especially when Boy #2 came along.

    Based on my last position, my salary was only a couple hundred dollars more than childcare would cost. Why bust my ass 40+ hours a week for just a couple hundred dollars a month?!?! Luckily for us - And I do mean LUCKILY in the MOST grateful of ways - we do pretty well on just my husband's income.

    I hope you find something soon, though. Despite my husband's good income, we've still had our share of struggles and unexpected life stuff that has put us in and out of the red, I know how stressful that can be.

    Sending you kick ass rad job offer vibes!!

  1. Leigh Ann said...:

    I feel ya. It's hard. I don't know how we managed when I quit my job and lost almost half of our combined income. I can't imagine paying $1500 a month. That's why I quit. But the good thing is that the boys will be in school and you'll have time to hang with the baby, right?

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    If my income was "only" childcare, we'd be OK . . . but it wasn't. There was 1/2 dozen other things I covered. That's where the major panic will set in.

    Fuck, who needs insurance, AMIRITE? Ugh.

  1. Dani Ryan said...:

    Shit. I'd like to say, "it'll get better!", but I'm fairly certain you will kick the crap out of me if I do. So instead I'll leave you with this: in 6 weeks you can have an alcoholic beverage again. ;)

  1. Lady Estrogen said...:

    6 weeks and 4 days -- chug-a-lug, babe!

  1. Angelwithatwist said...:

    OH how I feel this. I had to give up my job after our car wreck. Damage to my back prevented me from doing the things it required and I could not exactly take forever off to recuperate. It is tight here, real tight. But At no point have we ever had a childcare bill that high. I would have had a heart attack.

  1. Jess said...:

    Every damn time I make a plan/budget to get us out of debt and on track with being successful adults financially, one of us loses our job (or, last year today, gets hit by a drunk driver). Sigh. I'm starting to think debt is just a fact of life and we'll never get out...it's depressing and liberating all at once. It's fricken hard to accept that I don't have control over everything, you know? :)

    Congrats on baby 3!! I hope s/he is an easy baby who sleeps through the night right away and is ridiculously charming!

  1. MomChalant said...:

    I had my son at 19, and my boyfriend and I were working part-time jobs and still living with our parents. We moved in together shortly after we found out and reality hit. Once my son was born, I lost my job (and was unemployed for the next six months). We were so broke I had to ask just about every family member for help. We're still struggling and living paycheck to paycheck and I'm only 21.

    And I'm just like you, I want to know what's happening next and the time after that and the time after that. And not knowing if we'll have enough for bills and rent, let alone some new Bubble Guppy pajamas, is stressful. I feel your pain sista.

    But I keep working towards my goal, no matter how many hours of sleep I'm losing, and eventually I'll be stable.

  1. You're right. There's no end. Just new phase after old phase into new phase and round and round until forever. But phases *do* shift eventually. Nothing stays the same. If it did I'd still be wearing burgundy corduroys and a turtleneck.

  1. Chris Bird said...:

    We could get a fetish site going for you. Slide right from preggers to nursing grown men and women. Rich I tells ya, rich!

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