Jul 30, 2013

Children's Programming Mostly Blows

Since I've been home with the boys for the better part of a year now, I think I'm starting to crack at the seams a little, particularly with my intense criticisms of children's programming. Unfortunately, I'm still having to do freelance work here and there, so babysitter à la television has been a huge help, but I have reached my tolerance limit with certain shows. I just can't take them anymore.

10. Bubble Guppies - I cannot fault the music element in this show; it's quite impressive. But what the shit is going on with their environment?! Are they under water all the time? They're fish, right? So they must be! Then they travel on airplanes and attend rodeos and partake in desert adventures . . . under water? The cows have fins but the elephants do not? I'm confused and I don't like being confused by inconsistencies in a cartoon! Fuck it.

9. Toopy & Binoo - Not sure if this one is exclusive to Canada or not, since it's a French-based show. If you've never heard of it, consider yourself lucky. My kids LOVE it, much to my horror. I don't mind Binoo because he/she/it doesn't talk, but Toopy? Let's just say that if you believe in an existence of Hell, it's likely where you would get strapped to a chair & be forced to listen to Toopy narrate The Bible for all eternity.

8. My Big Big Friend - This would actually be a half decent show if it wasn't for one character - LILY. She's a little cunt! It actually upsets me that even though the two boys have rare moments of imperfection, she is a HORRIBLE girl that's usually quite mean to the boys. Is this necessary? I don't think so. It's very gender biased and it makes me twitchy.

7. Max & Ruby - Ditto with what I just wrote from My Big Big Friend. Ruby is a bossy bitch who's constantly talking down to her brother even though he's clearly not an idiot. And where the fuck are their parents?! Did the writers just decide they'd be too much of a hassle to create? Maybe if Ruby had a parent around, she wouldn't be such a skunt.

6. Little Einsteins - (aka. Little Pretentious Bastards) When a good accomplishment according to my sons is removing a giant booger from their nose, I find it almost embarrassing for this show's creators that they believe toddlers give one ounce of fuck about Beethoven and what he looked like in 1800. They try way too hard. They put up a flash card portrait of Warhol the other day, like, near the end of his days when he was frazzled and freaky looking. What the hell? I have a degree in Fine Art and even I don't need to see that shit on a Saturday morning.

5. Yo Gabba Gabba! - I have issues with any "human" hosts (or children's TV actors) that talk too animated where their mouths open too wide & their entire pupils are showing like a deer in headlights. It's not necessary and it creeps me out. And the puppet characters? I'm sorry, you'll never be Fraggle Rock. No amount of celebrity guest stars will ever get me to tune in to this clusterfuck. Banned.


3. Peppa Pig - Oh, that voice. I even mute the commercials for this show. I think they searched all of the United Kingdom to find the single most annoying girl to voice Peppa. I haven't even watched it long enough to determine if she's a nice little piglet or not. She would likely cover Toopy's lunch breaks and read The Bible to you IN HELL. My husband was the quickest to ban this one.

2. Mike the Knight - The biggest little asshole in all the land. Seriously, he's a fucking selfish jerk and treats his friends like complete shit. My son said to me the other day, "I don't like Mike the Knight because he's not very nice." And it was one of the best parenting moments ever! Banned.

1. Caillou - The whiniest weirdo, bar none. A show that teaches kids how to whine, have tantrums and have a spoiled attitude. No fucking thank you. AND WHY IS HE BALD? No one else is bald, not even his baby sister. And I'm pretty certain he's not on Chemotherapy.  Banned for eternity.

Dishonorable mention: Thomas the Tank Engine - You are NOT a very useful engine. In fact, you are a defiant, ignorant, trouble-making pile of metal that causes the train company likely hundreds of thousands of dollars in damages every year. You suck and I resent the fact that half of my house is covered in your over-priced merchandise.


On a positive note, I should add that I believe good programming for kids DOES exist -- just few & far between. I'd give my tramp stamp of approval to the following:
1. Octonauts - I learn new shit about the ocean every damn day.
2. Imagination Movers - Scott is my boyfriend and Dave is my homeboy.
3. Cat in the Hat - Dr. Seuss and Martin Short, enough said.
4. Handy Manny - You can't deny that the sexual tension between Manny and Kelly is intense, yo!
5. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse - Although mildly annoying, it's the type of annoying most of us have been desensitized towards, having been raised on that weird little mouse ourselves.
6. Agent Oso - OK, there was a time I detested Oso on the sole ground that he's the dumbest fuck of all time. I've since learned to tolerate him now that the boys are smarter than him & find his stupidity funny. And there's bigger fish to fry, so to speak.
7. Sesame Street - Because it will always be awesome.

What shows do you enjoy, tolerate or absolutely refuse to have on? 
. . . even in the distant background, while you try your hardest to ignore it.


  1. My Saturday morning cartoon chioces consisted mostly of anything that had explosions, giant robots and scantily clad women who could fly and/or shoot laser beams from their eyes.

    I miss the good old days of TV.

  2. @VinnyC

    When you were 4? LOL
    I'm looking forward to the "older" cartoons when they are 8+ but for now, it doesn't seem like my kiddie show fog is going to lift for a long time. Sigh.

  3. I was advanced for my age. A trait I share with my nephew. Before he could even crawl, his head was guaranteed to turn in the direction of any attractive woman that passed by.

    Lust runs strong in my family DNA.

  4. I love me some bubble guppies.. I really do. But Thomas and Caillou are not allowed. He's a brat and I can't stand his voice.

  5. Banning Thomas would have been so lovely & easy if the boys didn't love trains so much. Double Sigh.

  6. hahahaha I am not a parent but I do spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephew- Yo Gabba Gabba is so creepy and I just.don't.get.it.

    Last time I was on the east coast to see my sister, my 2 year old niece says to me, "Auntie. Mommy hates Dora."
    "Why does Mommy hate Dora, honey?" "Mommmy says Dora loud and annoying."

    I told her I was going back to San Diego and she misheard that to be that I was going home to live with Diego (From Dora).
    "Auntie goes home to see Diego!"

    It is only cute because I have to deal in small doses. If I was stuck watching these terrible shows, I would probably buy stock in a winery...

  7. I haven't been tormented by this stuff in a couple of years, but I still have PTSD, so I'll have a go.

    Curious George: How has this story survived? Don't answer that -- my kids of course loved it. It's about a character that intentionally does something wrong and then always gets praised for doing the wrong thing because it made everything better. Awesome...

    And is that stoned sloth still on? He was pretty tolerable.

    BTW, I think Dora is yelling because she figures kids don't know the language, so she's pulling a foreign tourist thing. maybe she'll snap a finger off a priceless statue in one of the episodes soon.

  8. Oh my god I'm terrified. Thanks? I have not heard of ANY of these shows. Except Caillou and Dora, both of which are already banned in my house.


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