Giraffe Man

Most of my relationships began with me pursuing the guy; it was rarely the other way around for some strange reason or another. A few times I would really have loved if it was them chasing me. When I had found the right moment to pour my heart out and reveal my true feelings, the result had one of three results: 1. He turned me down flat out, stating that we were much better off as friends; 2. We would start a ‘causal’ relationship that began with sex and ended with bruised egos; 3. (The fantasy scenario) He reciprocated my feelings and we partook in a wonderful and mutually respectful relationship. Ya, right!

During the course of a short-lived relationship with some idiot guy (that begun with a version of scenario #2), I had come to know his housemates very well. The one had a girlfriend and we had hit it off right away, which helped since we both spent a lot of time at that house.

The other guys would torment him all the time by telling blasphemous jokes and he would get so angry and usually storm off to his room. He also was adamantly against drinking, smoking, drugs and pre-marital sex – all of which the rest of us did on a regular basis. I’m sure he probably thought he was living in Sodom & Gomorrah at times – we were all disgusting SINNERS! Because of this, it was even more of a shock when his housemate’s girlfriend took me aside one night to give me a ‘heads up’ for what was about to happen.

“Jeff told me that he loves you and he’s going to tell you... soon!” She paused to witness my initial facial contortions upon hearing this news, and then continued, “Ya, I know! I tried to dissuade him, seriously, I tried, but he is convinced that you two belong together.”

Ah crap. Of all the men that I had chased over the years (and there were a lot), this is the one guy that decided to chase me... giraffe man! I responded to this news in utter confusion, “But, why? There is the obvious fact that I am with his housemate... kind of... and he knows I sleep with him; I thought he was against sex! What about the booze, cigarettes and weed? What the hell does he actually see in me when 80% of my lifestyle he fervently disagrees with?! What a weirdo!”

“I know. I know. He thinks that you will give all that up for him – I’m not sure which delusion he is living in. I think he is going to tell you tomorrow, so at least I am giving you some advance warning. I couldn’t even imagine what you would do if he told you without me breaking the news ahead of time.” No shit! I honestly didn’t know either and was thankful that she told me.

That night quickly came and after a couple rounds of joints, we all were going to go out for some food. Jeff puffed his chest out a bit, held me back and proclaimed to everyone, “You guys go ahead! Rachel and I have some important things to discuss.” O god... is he serious? My friend looked at me with pity-filled eyes as they left without me.

He sat me down on the couch and sat in a chair across from me that was much too short for his long legs; I was stoned off my rocker and was trying to keep a straight face with every ounce of self-control that I had left.

He looked me straight into my blood-shot eyes and told me that he loved me, very truly and very deeply. He said he was willing to look past all my ‘poor choices’ if I would agree to be with him and change my ways from that point onward. Apparently, if I loved him as much as he thought I did, I would easily change for him and we would abstain until our wedding night. YIKES! I was pretty freaked out with the intensity and resolve he had in his plans, all the way to having thought about our wedding. We weren’t even together and I felt like it was going to be one the hardest ‘break-ups’ that I would ever have to initiate.

Maybe I needed to experience that to see how awkward it was for the other person receiving the news, although I am sure I was only about 10% crazy when I performed my various declarations; Jeff was off the charts, 100% and beyond. Even if I had imagined wedding dresses with some of my past crushes, I NEVER would have told them, not ever! JESUS! Some craziness must be kept in your head!

I gave him the standard version of the “friendship” speech that I had come to know all too well, although I didn’t even believe that load of crap. After he revealed his extreme thoughts to me, I wanted to keep my distance from him for a while. Luckily, I was pretty much done with his housemate as well, so it worked out for the best to make a clean break with the guys in that house.