So there I was… in a relationship with my rock star musician boyfriend. We lived the typical rock star life…gigs all over, drinks a plenty, dancing, singing, smoking, getting high and staying out until 4 in the morning every day. Ahhh, the life of a groupie!! Did I mention the sex? Ah yes, the sex was pretty rock star too; it was fantastic. So fantastic that sometimes it made me lose my mind… literally. This one particular time we were upstairs in the rock star room, shaking the walls and windows. I couldn’t help to think what his other 3 male roommates were thinking. The sex was good, like I said, so good that when it was done I realized that I had completely forgotten that I was on my period.
Hmmmm… wasn’t I wearing a tampon? Uh oh, I don’t remember taking it out. Did he take it out? Panic set in. Jesus Christ, where’s my tampon?! What do I do? What do I say? Do I ask him? I got up the nerve to do just that. So I asked him if he took out my tampon (yes, embarrassing; yes, humiliating). He answered a simple ‘no’. Holy crap… it’s still inside me! Oh God – that means it is WAY inside me. What the fuck? What do I do? Panic set in a second time and there was no way I was going to the hospital. How do you explain that? There was also no way I was going to explain to our roommates why were going to the hospital at 4am either. I was going to have to get it myself. That’s right – get it myself.
There I was... naked... legs spread open on the bed and taking deep breaths. Rockstar was smoking while contemplating what to do about my situation. Ok, I have now built up the confidence to go in. Here we go... up goes the fingers and I can’t feel it! Panic was rising; I’m envisioning all those commercials you see about toxic shock syndrome. Where was the damn tampon?? Ok, I’d have to go in further. Up goes the hand... still nothing... up goes the WHOLE hand (I now understood some of those lesbian jokes). How far can it go? What is back there? Would I have to go up my elbow?? Just then, when it couldn’t have gotten any worse, I felt it. Yes, there it was, but wait… could it be... what the fuck? It was SIDEWAYS, HORIZONTIAL! I thought: Could that even be possible? I guess so, considering babies can live in that area.
So now what? So I began wiggling my fingers around to find an end. I felt like I was fishing inside myself. Finally, I find an end and begin to tug. Here it comes, almost there, push, push, breath, almost there, and we have it… I managed to give birth to a tampon, yeah…a tampon. Thank god! Then I looked up... oh ya, Rockstar was still there; he watched the whole thing. Oh well, at least no hospital and no toxic shock syndrome for me – just a whole lot of humiliation.
So remember ladies! No matter how good the sex is, keep your wits about you and take out your damn tampon!!