Jul 26, 2010

It's so hard to say good-bye (Part 4)

7 months had passed before I was to see Jim again. The night before this particular day the phone had rung; it was Jim. God I loved the sound of his voice so much! I had forgotten just how much until I heard it again. We planned to take the morning off school and meet at his house. I didn’t sleep at all that night.

My stomach started turning as soon as I saw him walking towards the door. When he opened it and I saw him standing there, I couldn't catch my breath. He let me in. He had his artwork for school all laid out, so I looked over that while he read the paper. There was an uncomfortable silence between us. Then we started watching television, still saying very little to each other. I was going crazy, screaming on the inside, “I STILL LOVE YOU!” I didn't know what to do, so I just started tickling him - just as it began the very first time; as if we were re-tracing our steps and had come full circle.

We got closer and then our lips finally met. All our buried feelings came flooding back like a tidal wave and it felt as though time had stood still for us and we had never been apart. He held on to me so tightly that it almost hurt, but I didn’t want him to ever let go. He took my hand and we went upstairs; stopping on every other stair to kiss. It took us a while to get to the top and into his room.

It felt as though we were re-living our first time together, but this time was so much more powerful because of everything we had become for each other since that day. It was over-whelming, but I managed to keep my composure while we made love. Afterwards, he remained on top of me while my legs were wrapped around him and he just stared into my eyes, played with my hair and kissed me over and over again. It was so tender and loving, like he was fascinated by my every feature. He had never done that before, not that I'm complaining.

We didn't need to say anything.

It was as if we both understood how wonderfully poetic that moment was to each other. A tear managed to escape my eye and rolled down the side of my face. He wiped it softly away with his thumb. He didn't need to ask me why I was crying, he knew already. We stayed there like that, frozen in that moment for at least an hour. The whole world could have been crumbling around us and we wouldn’t have noticed.

Finally, we got dressed and he was going to drive me back to school. It was an excruciating ride because we knew what the destination meant. It didn’t help things any that the beautifully haunting music of Portishead was playing in his CD player – talk about twisting the knife! “Cause nobody loves me, it's true; not like you do.”

His eyes were swollen, fighting back his tears the whole way to my school, as we drove in silence, listening to those heart-breaking lyrics. We had arrived; he turned the car off and looked out the window, away from me and said with a broken voice, "Goodbye... Behave... I will always love you... Goodbye."

I sat and cried for a couple minutes, prolonging the inevitable act of me actually exiting the car. He continued to look away while I cried but had found my hand and held it tightly; I didn’t even attempt to hold back anymore. I was bordering on hysterical. Tears began to roll down his face, although he tried his hardest not to let me see.

His words still repeated in my mind, "I will always love you... Goodbye.”

I stood there on the curb until his car was completely out of sight, hoping that he would turn around and come back. I could still smell his aftershave on my skin. I closed my eyes; I wanted to shut out everything to try and stop hurting. I never wanted to open my eyes again because he was gone, and we would never be together again. The finality of it all was a bit too much for me to bear – we had officially had our last precious moment as 2 people that loved each other and now would lead separate lives. I still had 3 weeks before I left, but I don't think either of us could have said goodbye again. I know now that it was just as difficult for him as it was for me. It shouldn't have had to be like that! People should be together when they are in love. Fuck what anyone else thought! Who were we really hurting? No one!

But there we were, and I had just watched my soul mate drive away
and out of my life.

My legs felt completely numb;
I fell to the grown as if I had melted into the cement.

Our story was finished.

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