Feb 2, 2010

Tale of the Turd

I had a relationship with a guy when I was 17 that was more comfortable rather than passionate... more like 2 best mates that also had sex, a lot. We would try different things and often discuss it after. He had exceptionally boney hips, and it got to the point where my inner thighs were so bruised from sex that it hurt to walk. The suggestion of having more missionary sex at that point made me cringe at the sheer thought of pounding against those aching wounds. We switched to doggie-style for the next few days and then the inevitable question was proposed.

“Wanna try...you know...up the arse?”

“Well, OK, but we’re going to have to use lots of lube, and go REALLY slow and be gentle!”

I should also add that his older brother’s nickname was ‘Horse’ and that similar genetic features were strong in his family, which didn’t appease my fears about what was about to happen. We got the lubricant out and even though he was very gentle, after about 3 thrusts in about 5 seconds, THAT WAS ENOUGH! GET IT OUT! OWWWW-EEEEE!

So, take the sensation of the most painful shit you’ve ever had, and then double it. I guess a lot of people enjoy that feeling, but it wasn’t for me. Apparently, there is a G-spot somewhere up there too– I will gladly be leaving mine up there, alone and undiscovered.

My boyfriend was uncircumcised, and as he was cleaning the lubricant off himself, he discovered a tiny chunk of turd under his foreskin. He jumped up like he was on fire and proceeded to squeal like a terrified little girl. I was embarrassed, since it was my turd, but I dealt with it by laughing hysterically at the spectacle that he was making of himself. I don’t see why he was so shocked, considering where his dick had just been. If you go digging in holes, you’re bound to find some dirt.

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