Love truly does hurt...or at least the person you love/loved knows how to use it to hurt you in some kind of way, that you think it is love that is actually causing the pain but in actuality it’s them abusing its sacred meaning. I too have a heartbreaking story to tell...mine is a bit different but then again it all boils down to that of pain in relationships. I’m currently still in my toxic relationship and am in desperate need of relationship advice or a way of getting out because sometimes I feel nothing is possible to salvage what’s already been broken in my situation. I met my current boyfriend of two years nearly five years ago. It started off innocently as friends. For years he professed his undying love for me and for a long time, I pushed him away out of fear of getting hurt; I tried so hard not to fall for him.
He literally waited all four years to be with me and after years of playing this game, I gave in. He came to me saying that it would be the last time he offers himself to me and that I should make up my mind as to tell him if I want to be his friend or more. I felt a bit pressured but I said yes because it finally struck me that this could really be the last time I see or hear from him. It scared me to not know what could’ve been had I not taken him up on the opportunity. For once I got out of my comfort zone of fearing the unknown and let love control me...
This really was my first true love and relationship. It took a while before we kissed, but within a few short weeks our innocent kissing sessions progressed to intimately touching one another over our clothes. I then had a sit down talk with him telling him that I needed to tell him something personal. Something that has impacted my life and since now he was a part of it, he needed to know that I was sexually abused by two family members and friends when I was growing up. For an hour or two I explained the situation, while he sat opposite me listening to my heartbreaking story. After concluding we got up and continued with other things, not discussing it. I often portrayed myself as tough and not needing help but deep down inside I truly wanted him to hold me tight, to tell me that he would be there for me and that everything will be ok. Upset, I couldn’t believe how he reacted. I kept my composure feeling like an idiot for confessing such personal information.
A few weeks later, he began ‘dry humping’ me, which made me uncomfortable at first, but got use to it. He then stuck his hand down my pants and although I was extremely anxious, I let him. He did his thing but I did feel a bit dirty and ashamed. I couldn’t believe I let things go that far...for weeks that was the case. At this point, I asked if he could get an HIV test. He felt insulted with the thought of me even asking. I responded with, “Why are you insulted? I would be getting one too!” We never did get the test done, as he felt it showed a lack of trust in him, so stupidly I let it slide and put myself at risk.
After that situation, things moved faster. One day he unexpectedly pulled down my pants and without permission gave me oral. From here onwards, I definitely could not believe what was going on. The person I knew was no longer there; my morals and values flew out the window... because of some guy I loved? I guess so! A lot of the time I felt that he did things first to me, in the hope that I would want to do things for him too... and he was right. The guilt finally took its toll and I gave into giving him oral sex. Every opportunity we got to see each other that was all that he wanted, and a lot of the time we just fought if we weren’t engaging in sexual acts. For months this was the case and he then asked if we could take things to the next level and start having vaginal sex. Immediately I said, ‘No’ because of my moral compass and the fear of falling pregnant. It was almost as if the more I gave, the more he wanted; he wasn’t ever satisfied, it seemed.
Soon after that, he went back to his home country for a few months. I barely got any communication from him the entire time. The whole time that he was gone I began to have suicidal thoughts; I became dependent on sleep medication and began to cut myself. I didn’t want to kill myself – I just wanted to punish myself. Things were strained when he returned and I got a gut feeling that something wasn’t right; I trusted him and believed he wasn’t the most romantic of people but that he would never cheat on me. One evening I was lying in bed something just told me to check his social network account. I would never do that to him or anyone but it’s as if I was getting a sign because it only took two attempts to hack in. I got in and saw a ton of messages to various attractive, sexy looking girls. The one message even read ‘Hi Sexy, did you miss me?’, and she said ‘Yeah, of course.’ He then said that he couldn’t stop perving over her pictures. It made me wonder if they were secretly sending private pictures to one another. I had never heard of this girl and have never met her.
Once I had his phone and he freaked out at the thought I would see what was on it. I was seeing less of him and he began to care less; he didn’t kiss or touch me anymore. He didn’t phone and when I did see him, his attitude was as if I should be happy I’m even getting to see him at all. He kept lying to me more and more; going out drinking when he doesn’t drink (or at least that’s what he tells me). Everything about him was a secret and everyone saw him as the good guy; he totally misled people into thinking that he was innocent – if only they knew. I haven’t even ever met his parents, because he said they are strict and want him to put his studies first. When he graduated, he told me I couldn’t go to the ceremony because he could only invite his parents, but I had a friend that had 4 people going. A few days past and I asked him what I meant to him, and who was more important: me or his friends. He said right to my face, without hesitation: his friends. I couldn’t believe my ears.
He wanted me to have sex with him because he knew the man I give my virginity to will be the one I marry; he wants to use it to keep me. I don’t understand why he wants to keep me though, since he clearly isn’t there for me, while being more interested in his friends and establishing relationships with other people. I intend on breaking up with him after he passes or fails this year because there is nothing I can do anymore; I can only do so much. A relationship is a two way street and he needs to be able to meet me half way. I shouldn’t have to beg him to love me! I cannot tell him what to do – he should know what the basic things in a relationship are. I’m not asking for fancy things or to be treated like a princess; all I want is love, honesty and respect. PLEASE HELP ME, I AM GOING THROUGH A DIFFICULT TIME IN MY LIFE AND MY ACADEMICS ARE SUFFERING SINCE I HAVE NEVER EVER TOLD ANYONE THIS BEFORE. I DON’T HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO AND HAS THUS RESULTED IN THIS. I NEED ADVICE ASAP...I’M LITERALLY BEGGING FOR HELP!
OK, first off, I should say that if you are still in University, they have awesome resources for seeking some counselling. There are a lot of issues that I think are deeply rooted in your childhood abuse, low self-esteem and your need to be a ‘pleaser’ (I had the same issue) and a professional will help you sort through it. I used that campus resource myself – it’s a good FREE perk whilst still attending school ;)
For my 2 cents worth, I think that you are already very aware that you are not in a healthy relationship – if you could even call it a relationship. He definitely wants you only when it’s convenient for him and doesn’t seem to care about your needs or insecurities. You have compromised so much of yourself and your ideals already – I wouldn’t give him another single day!
Your early 20’s should be some of the most fun of your life – but you have been giving too much time to this guy and hurting yourself instead. I don’t know if you want to hear this, but I don’t think that if you did break up with him that it would cause him to fail his studies – he’s a big boy – and since he apparently doesn’t consider you an important part of his life anyway, he’ll be fine. Stop sacrificing your health, your education, and your happiness for merely his physical needs – you will never get anything in return except for neglect and heartache.
I do understand that you have cared about him for so long that it’s not a full-on addiction that is being mistaken for love, and you might not think that there will be life after him – BUT THERE WILL BE – a much better and healthier life! There are lots of guys out there that will respect you and give you the 50/50 relationship that you desire – it’s just a matter of taking your time to find him – you have LOTS of time. In the meantime, you’d be better off alone rather than wasting another day agonizing over this lost cause of a man.
It will be very hard and sad for you, but one day soon you will look back and think to yourself ‘What the hell was I thinking?’ – It is just a matter of getting yourself to that point. I know it’s a cliché but time really does heal all wounds, but you have to make the initial break first in order to start the healing process. It seems as if you already know most of this, but perhaps needed someone to say it out loud.
Good luck! And I wish you all the best for your future in life and love.
PS. Most Universities only give out 2 tickets per graduating student, but it’s always possible to scam a couple more if some effort is put into it. So, he didn’t actually lie to you about that – he just couldn’t have been bothered finding you a ticket – which I think is just as bad anyway.