Aug 22, 2010

Painful Love

Love truly does hurt...or at least the person you love/loved knows how to use it to hurt you in some kind of way, that you think it is love that is actually causing the pain but in actuality it’s them abusing its sacred meaning. I too have a heartbreaking story to tell...mine is a bit different but then again it all boils down to that of pain in relationships. I’m currently still in my toxic relationship and am in desperate need of relationship advice or a way of getting out because sometimes I feel nothing is possible to salvage what’s already been broken in my situation. I met my current boyfriend of two years nearly five years ago. It started off innocently as friends. For years he professed his undying love for me and for a long time, I pushed him away out of fear of getting hurt; I tried so hard not to fall for him.

He literally waited all four years to be with me and after years of playing this game, I gave in. He came to me saying that it would be the last time he offers himself to me and that I should make up my mind as to tell him if I want to be his friend or more. I felt a bit pressured but I said yes because it finally struck me that this could really be the last time I see or hear from him. It scared me to not know what could’ve been had I not taken him up on the opportunity. For once I got out of my comfort zone of fearing the unknown and let love control me...

This really was my first true love and relationship. It took a while before we kissed, but within a few short weeks our innocent kissing sessions progressed to intimately touching one another over our clothes. I then had a sit down talk with him telling him that I needed to tell him something personal. Something that has impacted my life and since now he was a part of it, he needed to know that I was sexually abused by two family members and friends when I was growing up. For an hour or two I explained the situation, while he sat opposite me listening to my heartbreaking story. After concluding we got up and continued with other things, not discussing it. I often portrayed myself as tough and not needing help but deep down inside I truly wanted him to hold me tight, to tell me that he would be there for me and that everything will be ok. Upset, I couldn’t believe how he reacted. I kept my composure feeling like an idiot for confessing such personal information.

A few weeks later, he began ‘dry humping’ me, which made me uncomfortable at first, but got use to it. He then stuck his hand down my pants and although I was extremely anxious, I let him. He did his thing but I did feel a bit dirty and ashamed. I couldn’t believe I let things go that far...for weeks that was the case. At this point, I asked if he could get an HIV test. He felt insulted with the thought of me even asking. I responded with, “Why are you insulted? I would be getting one too!” We never did get the test done, as he felt it showed a lack of trust in him, so stupidly I let it slide and put myself at risk.

After that situation, things moved faster. One day he unexpectedly pulled down my pants and without permission gave me oral. From here onwards, I definitely could not believe what was going on. The person I knew was no longer there; my morals and values flew out the window... because of some guy I loved? I guess so! A lot of the time I felt that he did things first to me, in the hope that I would want to do things for him too... and he was right. The guilt finally took its toll and I gave into giving him oral sex. Every opportunity we got to see each other that was all that he wanted, and a lot of the time we just fought if we weren’t engaging in sexual acts. For months this was the case and he then asked if we could take things to the next level and start having vaginal sex. Immediately I said, ‘No’ because of my moral compass and the fear of falling pregnant. It was almost as if the more I gave, the more he wanted; he wasn’t ever satisfied, it seemed.

Soon after that, he went back to his home country for a few months. I barely got any communication from him the entire time. The whole time that he was gone I began to have suicidal thoughts; I became dependent on sleep medication and began to cut myself. I didn’t want to kill myself – I just wanted to punish myself. Things were strained when he returned and I got a gut feeling that something wasn’t right; I trusted him and believed he wasn’t the most romantic of people but that he would never cheat on me. One evening I was lying in bed something just told me to check his social network account. I would never do that to him or anyone but it’s as if I was getting a sign because it only took two attempts to hack in. I got in and saw a ton of messages to various attractive, sexy looking girls. The one message even read ‘Hi Sexy, did you miss me?’, and she said ‘Yeah, of course.’ He then said that he couldn’t stop perving over her pictures. It made me wonder if they were secretly sending private pictures to one another. I had never heard of this girl and have never met her.

Once I had his phone and he freaked out at the thought I would see what was on it. I was seeing less of him and he began to care less; he didn’t kiss or touch me anymore. He didn’t phone and when I did see him, his attitude was as if I should be happy I’m even getting to see him at all. He kept lying to me more and more; going out drinking when he doesn’t drink (or at least that’s what he tells me). Everything about him was a secret and everyone saw him as the good guy; he totally misled people into thinking that he was innocent – if only they knew. I haven’t even ever met his parents, because he said they are strict and want him to put his studies first. When he graduated, he told me I couldn’t go to the ceremony because he could only invite his parents, but I had a friend that had 4 people going. A few days past and I asked him what I meant to him, and who was more important: me or his friends. He said right to my face, without hesitation: his friends. I couldn’t believe my ears.

He wanted me to have sex with him because he knew the man I give my virginity to will be the one I marry; he wants to use it to keep me. I don’t understand why he wants to keep me though, since he clearly isn’t there for me, while being more interested in his friends and establishing relationships with other people. I intend on breaking up with him after he passes or fails this year because there is nothing I can do anymore; I can only do so much. A relationship is a two way street and he needs to be able to meet me half way. I shouldn’t have to beg him to love me! I cannot tell him what to do – he should know what the basic things in a relationship are. I’m not asking for fancy things or to be treated like a princess; all I want is love, honesty and respect. PLEASE HELP ME, I AM GOING THROUGH A DIFFICULT TIME IN MY LIFE AND MY ACADEMICS ARE SUFFERING SINCE I HAVE NEVER EVER TOLD ANYONE THIS BEFORE. I DON’T HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO AND HAS THUS RESULTED IN THIS. I NEED ADVICE ASAP...I’M LITERALLY BEGGING FOR HELP!


  1. OK, first off, I should say that if you are still in University, they have awesome resources for seeking some counselling. There are a lot of issues that I think are deeply rooted in your childhood abuse, low self-esteem and your need to be a ‘pleaser’ (I had the same issue) and a professional will help you sort through it. I used that campus resource myself – it’s a good FREE perk whilst still attending school ;)

    For my 2 cents worth, I think that you are already very aware that you are not in a healthy relationship – if you could even call it a relationship. He definitely wants you only when it’s convenient for him and doesn’t seem to care about your needs or insecurities. You have compromised so much of yourself and your ideals already – I wouldn’t give him another single day!

    Your early 20’s should be some of the most fun of your life – but you have been giving too much time to this guy and hurting yourself instead. I don’t know if you want to hear this, but I don’t think that if you did break up with him that it would cause him to fail his studies – he’s a big boy – and since he apparently doesn’t consider you an important part of his life anyway, he’ll be fine. Stop sacrificing your health, your education, and your happiness for merely his physical needs – you will never get anything in return except for neglect and heartache.

    I do understand that you have cared about him for so long that it’s not a full-on addiction that is being mistaken for love, and you might not think that there will be life after him – BUT THERE WILL BE – a much better and healthier life! There are lots of guys out there that will respect you and give you the 50/50 relationship that you desire – it’s just a matter of taking your time to find him – you have LOTS of time. In the meantime, you’d be better off alone rather than wasting another day agonizing over this lost cause of a man.

    It will be very hard and sad for you, but one day soon you will look back and think to yourself ‘What the hell was I thinking?’ – It is just a matter of getting yourself to that point. I know it’s a cliché but time really does heal all wounds, but you have to make the initial break first in order to start the healing process. It seems as if you already know most of this, but perhaps needed someone to say it out loud.

    Good luck! And I wish you all the best for your future in life and love.

    PS. Most Universities only give out 2 tickets per graduating student, but it’s always possible to scam a couple more if some effort is put into it. So, he didn’t actually lie to you about that – he just couldn’t have been bothered finding you a ticket – which I think is just as bad anyway.

  2. I agree with the Lady - don't waste another day hurting over this guy - for Christ's sake!

  3. Thank you so much for your have no idea what this means to me,just hope lots more people comment so i see the bigger picture i dont want to admit.ive known for sometime that i needed to break up with him, but i also hoped things would get better.I didnt consider consulting psychologists at universoty because i knew what they would tell me- hearing the truth hurts me and ive been in denial for way too long.

    True that my pain may stem from that of my childhood issues, but the actual abuse that happened to me didnt hurt. Only when i got older did i realise what had happened, and haunts me every now and then. What really hurts me is when i tell people like him such personal things, and they dont show they care or want to make an effort to help then that breaks my heart.not the actual abuse as such.

    Yes it has definately taken a toll on my academics- i am a golden key member and never thought that my education would suffer.For years i never trusted anyone and never dated guys because i previous boyfriend (puppy love) cheated on me and scared me to let anyone into my world. I thought by not letting anyone in that it would prevent me from getting hurt. But when i started dating him and felt loved i learnt to trust again.he gave me that security and comfort.Before i had walls up protecting myself, but after i date him i will put up a bullet proof barrier because i dont know if i will ever be able to trust again...

    Alot has happened since i last sent you a message- still i hardly saw much of him, but yesterday i did manage to spend the day with me...i felt loved...but then again we mostly had sex again. I dont know what possesses me to give him so much, its as if seeing his face makes everything better...on the phone and over text messages i have so much power and confidence to tell him how i feel but in person cant bring myself to do so because i know its going to end ugly...either way he cant be bothered with trying to change... a few days ago i asked him to log into various social network accounts infront of me because i wanted to see if he was able to be real honest...he ended up showing but then again that doesnt mean he didnt have anything to hide. Just meant that being him he would have an excuse if i saw something suspicious which i did. Again i saw a list on strange girls(sexy looking girls)he had been messaging. i asked him who it was because he messaged her giving his number to contact.He then said that she was someone he didnt know and thus wanted to find out.who on earth gives a stranger their number to find out?does he honestly think i buy that story>A number that isnt even his own- that just sent me off the edge that he has to go so far and out his way that others can secretly contact me without me knowing so that i cant check his current number.

    I just found out today that he lied to me once he went out patrying and drinking with friends when he told me he was at home.This coming from a person that doesnt like parties or drinks...more and more i feel more scared of the person i no longer know. I dont mind if people drink or party but dont spin me some lame story telling me you dont when you do. What hurts me the most is the fact that he has to lie to me about such stupid small things.

  4. Another thing is that i dont think my boyfriend realises that he is looking to have an affair, and that emotional cheating his just as bad as that of physical cheating if not more. when i ask him anything he twists things and sends me on a guilt trip to make himself look good.even when he knows he is wrong.He is sick to the point where he starts believing his own lies when i ask him if he is cheating he isnt 'lying' because he doestn consider emotional affairs with others as cheating and only that of phyical cheating.

    With the girl he gave his contacts to ive been making contact with, he has my passwoed now and so do now he is extra careful with what he does on his social accounts.Anyway point is that i contacted her saying stay away from him and that she doesnt know him...we chatted more and more and ive come to realise that these girls arent the problem and that my boyfriend is.i really do believe that they exchanged innocent conmversations but still hurts knowing that my boyfriend finds me boring to go and surch for hot looking strangers...yet the one girl that he said was missing and perving over her pictures was a different story.the girl i recently made contact with seems nice and told me that i should talk to him and also found it weird that he kept telling him to phone him etc and that i should be worried about other girls.

    He told me a day or two ago that he would be introducing me to his mother and i replied saying is that some kind of sick joke. he said 'no' and i said 'i'm not even going to get excited because you always get my hopes up".

    Thing is when i leave him i want him to feel the pain, i want him to feel what he lost and that no girl could ever give him what i wonder. i want him to want me, just to see if he cares enough to actually want to fight for our relationship. I may consider going back to him if he is willing to fix what he screwed up only if he is able to come clean and tell me the truth no matter how bad he looks or regardless of how much pride he has.

    What about second chances?when should a person try and fix things and get a 2nd chance, and when do you know a person will never change?

  5. I think you have already given him years of second chances. If you keep taking him back, the cycle will never end. I'm sure you felt loved yesterday, but love is often confused with sex. If you are mostly feeling loved only when you are having sex with him, there is a problem. It sounds more like you are his booty call - especially when you go weeks without speaking and then when you do get together, you just mostly have sex; that is not a relationship.

    People can only tell you the plain facts so much - it is now up to you to take control of your life and decide how you want to live it.

  6. i agree with you 100 Percent... people can only do so much before its a matter of time that i take matters into my own hands and open my eyes to what i should be doing.

    and i take it that he will never change judging by what youve said so shouldnt bother giving him another chance with...its time that he lives with his consequences and the guilt and unhappiness of throwing away a good thing when he shouldve been appreciating me.

    and ive decided that i will break up with him next year whether he has passed or see even though he has screwed me over i still care enough not to jeapordise his academics...i know you think that he wont care whether i am with him or not and that it wont affect his academics...but trust me if i really make things clear to him this time that im not coming back it will hit home and i know he will do bad with his if he does fail whether it be because of me or not he will blame me saying that he failed as a result of me breaking up with him. he always needs an excuse to justify his actions and wrong doings.sad that he cant take the responsibility as a grown man...i dont have the energy or time to fight or for him to make my life more worse than what it already is so whether or not i like it i am just going to suck it up till january to break the news to him because i cant afford to do even worse with my academics.

  7. Hi there!
    I'm sorry that you feel like the campus therapist isn't helping. Maybe you just don't have the right chemistry with her... it does happen. Most of the time they are there primarily to listen and then work with you from there.

    If you google "online therapy", there will be hundreds, and of course, google is location oriented, so mine shows all Toronto-based ones. See what is available in your area.

    Kids Help Phone is great - although, this is also Canadian-based. They are professionally trained to deal with everything - and they deal with young adults as well.
    They will give you qualified advice, but mind you, your email will be posted.

    Wishing you well,
    Lady E.

  8. Hi there again...sorry that i am only responding now...I just have no other means to vent it seems.

    Anyway... it has been a year since i found out that he was potentially cheating on me and establishing other relationships with other girlw whom i know nothing about, and yet again its about to be his graduation in a weeks time. Strange how i find myself calling for help when this time comes around.

    Alot...and i mean alot has happened since i last made contact with you. As you may have guessed i am still with the guy...i feel like a ship anchored at shore because i got get rid of him as much as i try.In december of last year i gave him an ultimatum that if he did not make an effort to introduce me to his folks that i would indeed be leaving because i am tired of sneaking around like a teenager that has done something wrong- for christ's sake we are in our 20's , we are not children. I mean is it a crime to love?So i made this idea known to him, he then arranged a day where i could finally meet his parents, i got a tad bit excited but until that day really did arrive i swore not to get my hopes up and get all excited until i see if the plans will go as forth... there was however a twist, as was expected. Instead of making the day about me or us, he decided to invite his best guys friends- the one's he cannot live without and would sacrifice losing me to have them in his life , even though i have known him years before they met one another. The reason why he asked them to come over was to make his mum feel more at ease with him breaking the news that i was indeed his girlfriend/ friend. So anyway he arranged that me and his buddies would be having lunch one afternoon at his place. So the day arrived and i was told to wait for his phone call for when i can come over...i then patiently wait and end up falling asleep waiting for him to signal me... i arrive 5 min to late at his place because i had dozed off without realsing... as i was approaching his house i saw that his parents were leaving and on their way somewhere... i then continue driving to his place.i greet him and get out acting normal before asking where his parents are on their way to? he then tells me that they were going to work. i then realised that he wanted to do a rush meet and greet...i mean seriously on the way to work???i didnt voice my opinion but feel heavily insulted that that is what he thinks of me...cont>>>>>>

  9. >>>Continuation... the day proceeded, we ate lunch, his friends came over and we mingled etc...hour after hour passed and i began to wonder where his folks are? it was way past work time and aski him where they were...he too thought it was strange that they had not returned. he then made a call and asked them where they were, because he wanted them to say hi to his friends...they told him that they were shopping and were waiting for them to leave before they come home. another hour or two passes and realises they arent coming...he then phones again and says that me and his friends have left to get them to come home sooner...they obviously do not fall for that trick because he had to make a third call- this time he told them straight that he wanted them to come home to meet his girlfriend...his mom was furious and told him they wont be coming home.this was all done in a foreign language that i dont understand and will never know what his true words were when they spoke.he then returned to the room where me and his friends nervously sat and waited for absolute nothing since they made no appearance... he looked furious and hurt and explained that his parents dont want to meet me...he then broke into tears - at this point i was beyond confused. i didnt know if i was shocked at that fact that he may care and was thus crying or that his tears were indeed part of a big act? that night ...yes night because i waited that long i returned home in shock,i was not sad or angry but disgusted with the fact that i wasnt able to meet his parents as i had hoped, and that i was rejected even before i could explain myself which is not fair.

    that evening his parents returned home late only to ignore him flat out...for a week they did not speak to him. When they finally did speak they had a major fight, they rejected the idea that he may have a girlfriend. His father then had a talk with him and told him that he may not have a girlfriend and that only once his studies are completed may he do what he wants... this all for a 23year old man...

    At the start of this year i was told by my boyfriend that he was hoping to do his masters this year in one year instead of two. This had me in excitement and hope, because this meant that after this year there would be no sneaking around...>>>continuation

  10. >>>continuation... i was then told recently that the department will not allow for him to do that, this immediately got me thinking about waiting longer...i thought i would only have to continue sneaking around for an extra year, but now that his studies wont be completed after this year does that mean that i must wait till i am 24 years old?another 2 years?Seriously? am i going to keep having to waiting and to be fed excuse after excuse?i am tired and emotionally drained...ive realised that i will always wait for him, and if i continue to wait for that day where i finally meet his parents, what will be next? ive wasted so much time, will he then tell me he cant get engaged because he is not financially stable?or when we get married and have kids, that daddy could make time for his family because his work schedule is too busy? I am just waiting and waiting and am starting to get angry because i feel i have wasted my time on a lost cause, that i loved an empty hard and caused myself pain only to get no where.

    I dont understand how much more cruel he can be, what fun does he get out of this?this year was meant to be a year of change for us since i did not break up with him, i then decided to take a positive approach.He even told me i could attend this years graduation and that he doesnt care if his parents will be at the same venue...that all changed a few days ago when he changed his mind and told me it would be best if i didnt attend.he kept making up excuses that what if they see me, what if they ask who is he taking pics with etc...i said i will keep my distance then, but still even that wasnt enough. he even tried scaring me by telling me that if they find out that they will prevent him from seeing me again...i then realised that i mean absolute nothing to him because he is willing to let me miss out on his important day...continuation>>>

  11. >>>>continuation...i wonder if i will get invited to his party after graduation or if he will have an excuse also? Our 2 year anniversary is next saturday...i plan on going to his party if i get invited and then celebrating our anniversary 2 days later with him.Thereafter i plan on ignoring him and not giving him notice that i am leaving...because explaining to him will only end ugly or he will end up sweet talking me into stating so i decided to lose all contact...he will then realise i am gone for good. His parents can now be happy that i am out the picture- he can now be happy to have his life back because i am tired of being the one that makes him unhappy....this graduation thing and getting my hopes up and him not apologising once for establshing relationships with other cheap girls behind my back just threw me off the edge... i also found a list of 176 girls that he emailed secretly and forgot to cover his tracks...

    What i realised about him is that he may have loved and wanted me once upon a time, but that along the way and not long after dating he lost interest. it is beyond clear to me now that he will always want what he cant have...He doesnt love or appreciate me, i get no compliments and he does not care one that he has me he is no longer interested in me, he must now conquer greater things. he probably feels that if he can bag me, that he can bag far more better things even if that means searching for shallow women that are hot...

    just cant believe he wasted my time, but the biggest joke of this all is that he is not the fool, i am. I let this continue for far too long, i did not put down my foot when i needed to, i let him in and see the true me. I was too honest and nice, to giving and naive...He has become too comfortable in this relationship because he thinks he can sit back and relax and not do any work. While having cake and eating it too...i just need to know what i need to do to make sure i move on for good because this man will never ever change or love me for the person he is so ashamed of...

    I also did some research and noticed that he is a pathological liar and sociopath...i dont know how to handle him because i am soft and a push over by do i know when he is telling the truth because its hard to tell when all ive ever heard was lied...

    i didnt even know his real name to begin that says alot....

    I need help because i cant continue wasting my precious time, my love and abilities on a person that doesnt even know i exist...

    He doesnt even know that i have trouble sleeping and dragging myself out of bed each day and cant do anything but dwell on out problems because that is all that consumes my every waking thought...

    why must men make me so sick? why can they never be satisfied with a good women, why must they always search for better when they have great?Why must they always want what they cant have...and if and when they get what they want they must go on to conquer greater things....I am disgusted and makes me feel like nothing- it makes it hard to love...PLEASE HELP ME AGAIN

  12. I'm glad you are able to vent your concerns on my site! Take it from me - I know it can help :)

    I don't think it's MEN in general that make you sick - it's just this one. You really need to break free, honey! I KNOW it's hard, I really, truly do, but you just have to. Maybe go on a trip or something that will give you a positive experience - you really need it! Life is so fucking short and to dwell on this one person that has never appreciated you or loved you the way you wanted is a waste of your precious life!

    I hope you are able to find love and happiness with someone else... or maybe even 'somewhere' else - if that is what it will take. xx


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